The Story that is My Life

My life as it has been and as it continues to unfold is a story. One story made up of many stories. One complex, yet simple story. One sometimes messy, but so beautiful story. One story that I wonder if it might be interesting to be told.

This blog is my attempt to put part, or parts, of that story into words, pictures, or whatever form my mind can wrap itself around or create from within myself to express what it is like to be the one inside Cindy's Story. This is an exploration on my part and on yours in reading, and seeing, and maybe even hearing. It is not necessarily chronological. It might not always make sense, but it is my expression. It is me.

You are invited to see how my story unfolds.....

Friday, April 27, 2012

Mzungu kwa Yesu - White Foreigner for Jesus

[Written in September 2001]

"Mzungu!  Mzungu!" I heard many small voices shouting as I took my first steps down the winding dirt road toward what was to become my home for the next year, Muthyoi, Kenya.  Soon, small black faces were beaming up at me from all angles, dirty small black hands were reaching for my white ones, and still more bare small black feet were running toward me.  No one wanted to be the last to see the Mzungu(white person/foreigner) who had come to live with them.  What is she like?  How does she look?  How does she feel?  How does she sound?  How does she smell?  How does she do things?  What funny things will she do differently than us?  What new things will she teach us?  How will she live her life among us?

Children curious about the Mzungu who came to live with them.

...And this is how I lived my life for one year in Kenya.  I was received warmly by the Kamba people in Muthyoi and given more opportunities than I knew what to do with to share my life and message with them.  I taught Math and C.R.E.(Christian Religious Education) in 6th, 7th, and 8th grade, along with some English, Science, Arts and Crafts, and Music.  Wednesday afternoon we had Bible Club for 4th-8th grade where we heard Bible stories, learned verses in English, and sang praises to God in three languages.  I had a number of opportunities to share from the Bible in assemblies in this and other area primary schools, high schools, and a polytechnic college.  When it became known that I had graduated from Bible college, I was invited to give messages in a number of area churches.  Half way through the year I began a twice monthly series through the book of Ephesians in my local church there, learning how God wanted us to grow up in Christ.  Thursdays, Mary, the pastor's wife, and I walked through the hills we lived in visiting people outside their huts and mud brick homes, sharing Jesus with them, and praying for them at their point of need.

Everywhere I went, I found one thing: black faces turned my way unashamedly staring with big white eyes at the "Mzungu" to see what she did and how she lived her life.  Now, I must admit, that on some days I didn't want to be different.  I wanted to get out from under my mosquito net in the morning, wash myself from the small basin, put on my skirt and head scarf, sweep the bat droppings from under my table like always, drink my 'chai' made over a smoky fire, and be just like everybody else.  But, you know what?  Even when I lived the African way, people kept watching me.  I was different from them whether I liked it or not...and they kept watching.

What about you?  Are you different from the world?  Are you a follower of Jesus Christ?  Have you believed in Him? If you said, "Yes," then you are a part of God's family.  You now represent Christ to the lost and dying world around you.  The world is watching you.  Everywhere you go eyes are looking at you and wondering.  How will you live your life?  How are you different from the lost world you live in?  How has this Jesus you say you know made a difference in your life?  

Maybe after seeing your life, those watching you will want to know Jesus too.  For it says in the Bible:
Whoever claims to live in Him[Jesus] must walk as Jesus did. (I John 2:6) 
Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.  (Ephesians 4:15-16)
May God bless you as you grow to love Him more each day and together we spread the Good News to those watching through Africa, America, and all the world.

~Cindy

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

My Luna


My kitty, Luna. 
Like the moon from which her name comes,
 A bright light to any of my dark nights


And a joy to all my days.

I love my kitty.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

High School and Beyond

Somehow I managed to get out of giving a single speech in the entirety of my high school career.  I'm not quite sure how I managed it.  Maybe the fact that I went to three different schools or that I never volunteered and then we ran out of time was a factor.  So then, when it came to then end of my senior year, and I was to graduate as Valedictorian with a 4.0 GPA,  I was faced with the task of writing and giving my first speech in front of my entire graduating class and all those who came to watch and cheer us on.  What I came up with is not too long, but holds some truths in it for us even today in what ever changes are coming up in our lives.  Here it is:

To Graduate - What does it mean?  According to Webster's dictionary, to graduate is to pass from one stage of experience, proficiency, or prestige to a higher one.
Graduation.  We have made it through this stage in life.  We have had many experiences, some good and some bad.  We have learned many valuable lessons that will stay with us the rest of our lives.  Now it is time for us to pass on to an even higher stage in life.  Excitement!  It is hard to believe that this is real!  But what will the next stage be like?  Behind all of our excitement of graduating there hides some fear.  Our minds are filled with high hopes, expectations, fears, and doubts all at once.  We wonder if we should get a job, go to college, or get married.  Can we make it away from our friends and family?  What if we don't succeed?  These are scary thoughts, but they can't be ignored.  The way we choose to respond will affect our future.  I believe there are three ways we could choose to respond:

  1. We can dwell on the past.  When hard times come our way we could focus all our attention on how life used to be and how happy we used to be, and get ourselves so upset that things have changed that we just want to quit.  That doesn't work!  Let's remember, learn from, and treasure the past, but not forget the present.
  2. Another way we can respond to the unknowns of this new stage in life is to just live for the present.  Some people say, "If it feels good at the moment, do it".  Or, "Let me live my own life.  It doesn't affect anyone else".  Please don't fall into this trap!  Sure drinking, drugs, and other things may feel good at the time, but your feelings will change if you contract a disease or if someone close is killed because of drinking and driving.  We can't live for the moment.  
  3. We must look to the future.  Our lives do affect others, especially those within our families.  The choices we make now will determine the kind of heritage we pass on to future generations.  What heritage will we leave?
Can you imagine if every one of us got married and had two kids, then they got married and did the same and so on, that by the time we have grandchildren around one thousand people would be affected by our small class.  We are going to make a difference in the world whether we like it or not.  Let's decide now to make every little decision today count for the future so that others that come after us will be proud of the heritage we have left them.
I thank God for giving me a rich heritage in which He is number one, and with His help I will carry that heritage on.
The challenge I leave with you is;  If you have a rich heritage keep it going, and if not start one today with every decision you make.  With God's help we can make a better tomorrow.  We are the future, let's live like it today!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Do You Cry With Me?

The following is a poem that I wrote sometime in my junior or senior year of high school during a time when I found myself sad and crying a lot.  I had to rework the last verse a bit tonight because it didn't flow quite right, but otherwise the rest is my original work from that time.  Maybe there has been a time in your life when you could relate, or maybe it is now.

"Do You Cry With Me"

I'm crying

My tears, they're blocking my sight    
And I'm stumbling
Though I'm holding on with all my might
I'm still slipping
And my wings just won't take flight
I keep falling, falling
And I'm crying
Do You cry with me?

Which is wrong and which is right?
My head's spinning
Will things turn out to be all right?
I keep doubting
How long can I keep up this fight?
I feel like quitting, quitting
And I'm crying
Do You cry with me?

Though it's day it feels like night
My heart's hurting
Darkness shuts out all the light
No use searching
What once was peace has turned to fright
I can't stop trembling, trembling
And I'm crying
Do You cry with me?

When my tears flow as I hide
You cry with me
All  emotions kept inside
You still truly see me
You'll always stay right by my side
You just love me....
...when I'm crying

And I'm crying
And You cry with me.

Thank you Jesus
~Cindy

Monday, April 16, 2012

When the Bottom Falls Out in Northern Ireland

Here are a few journal entries from my time at Bible college in Belfast, Northern Ireland.  These entries were made at a time when the questions that were constantly being raised by being in another culture and by being in a college setting where everything is questioned so you will search for answers, rather than the American college setting where the answers are taught to you directly, caused me to spiral into confusion and uncertainty about the truth of God and Jesus.
_____________________

November 11, 1998

Last week I was at the bottom of my "happiness curve" (as the principal of the college would term it). My mind was in turmoil. My body ached. I was constantly fatigued, My soul wallowed in self pity, the struggle against it, and the need to be loved. I have been reading and rereading Hebrews 12 the last few weeks and have found it to be a great source of encouragement.  
A study of the first verse brought more understanding and has given me reason to keep going in the life of faith.

Hebrews 12: 1-3 says:
1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
There are many things which I do not know now, and that which I think I know is continually causing confusion; but others have gone before me in the faith and have found God's approval, and they had less revealed truth than I do now.  It can be done, but I must remember how this is to be done: keeping my eyes on Jesus, who himself started and will finish my faith.

November 18, 1998

I haven't wanted to write for a while.  Too much confusion in my mind.  I feel like I am doubting everything I hear now because I am discovering that much of what I have openly accepted has not been entirely true.  But this is making me go mad.  I don't want to be full of doubt.  I want to trust God, but how do I do that if all of understanding of words and concepts has been jumbled.  It is as if all my bits of knowledge about faith, prayer, Christian relationships, holy living, evangelism, church life, daily responsible living, important virtues, etc... that I had filed into certain boxes of understanding have all had the bottom fall out from under them causing them to be dumped out together on the floor.  Someone starts to talk to me about a topic, such as prayer, and I frantically search through the jumbled mess looking for the understanding I once thought I had filed in a box, but I don't recognize it anywhere.  I am frustrated because I know I had it once, and I thought I took good care of it.  So I have decided to try to reorganize my jumbled understanding, but this requires a lot of me.  I must question what I hear so I have a description of what I am looking for.

The other day my friend told me that I think too much, that I want to "put everything in it's wee box", but that some things cannot be put in a box.  He says that I just need to trust God and remember what is important.  I agree with that, but I cannot do that at the expense of my mind.  I use my mind to decide what to believe and how that belief is implemented in my life in big spiritual matters and in each small decision I have to make.  If I come to a conviction that what I use to determine my thoughts, ideas, convictions, and actions is wrong, then what do I do?  How do I know if it is true unless I check every angle for faults?  How can I take even one step forward if I have to examine every pebble in the road to make sure I'm going the right way? Surely I must, or I could be deceived again.

I am so tired...

November 29, 1998

I've given up.
I can't do it.
I can't find the answers. (Truth?)
I can't feel the joy. (Hope?)
I can't rest in peace. (Trust?)

God Almighty,

I am totally helpless, crushed beneath your hand.  I can no longer take even one step on my own.  I am confused.  I am angry. I am afraid.

But, they say that Jesus is the truth, that in him they find joy, and in him they find peace.

Jesus, I am pleading with you to be that for me.  Please do not hide your face from me any longer.  Why do you wait so long?  I feel as if I would die, and still you do not come.  You have humiliated me and destroyed my understanding, and still you do not come.  

Please be all that I need.  Do not wait.
___________________

I remember the day that I wrote this last entry.  I was so distraught that I shut myself in my room, and was not going to come out until I had an answer from God.  I missed all my classes that day, and didn't go to any meals.  I was on the floor crying in desperation. 

At the time, I was in a philosophy of religion class.  We had been going through the various proofs of the existence of God.  In doing this, we found that the proofs, when argued logically and philosophically, do not definitively prove the existence of God.  In the end, ultimately, it is faith that provides the foundation for belief in God and the ability to have ultimate happiness.  This caused me problems.  I had always believed because I could prove what was true.  Finding out that there was room for argument in my beliefs in God and Jesus caused me to question everything I knew to be true up to that point.  A new question of faith came to me.  Did I have the faith to continue to believe even if my belief could be argued against?

I knew that I didn't have that faith.  I tried to create that faith in myself, but I couldn't do it.  So, that day as I was on the floor in my college dorm room, I cried out to God, telling him that if he truly existed that he would have to give me the faith that I needed.  

With my eyes closed and my face bowed to the floor, I said, "Jesus, you'll have to give me the faith.  I don't have it." 

Then something happened that had never happened to me before, and has not happened since.  I heard an audible voice say to me, "I WILL DO IT."

Suddenly, I felt such a relief wash over me.  I didn't have to try to have faith, Jesus said he would do it.  He would give me the faith.  And at the very moment, at last, I had faith that he would.  That small seed of faith produced in me in the next moment a sigh that saw the struggle in me leave and brought with it a quietness in my soul that was God's peace.  
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.  (Ephesians 2:8-9)
I knew this was true.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

The Meaning of My Middle Name, Marie "מִרְיָם"

Marie

Though I have known the meaning of my first name, Cynthia, for a long time, I have not paid as much attention to the meaning of my middle name, Marie.  I wrote about my first name the other day, which got me interested in knowing about the meaning of the rest of my name.

In my research on internet sites today, to get the meaning of Marie, it was interesting that I had to jump around in different language forms of the name.  This is what I have gathered:

Marie is the French and Czech form of Maria, the Latin form of the New Testament Greek names Μαριαμ (Mariam) and Μαρια (Maria) which were from the Hebrew name  מִרְיָם (Miryam).

Mary is the English form of Maria.  The usual meaning given by various sources for the name Mary, is the Hebrew מרר m-r-r meaning "bitterness". Other meanings suggested include "rebelliousness" (מרי m-r-y), or "wished for child" or "beloved lady".

It was most likely originally an Egyptian name, perhaps derived in part from mry "beloved" or mr "love".  

The name was also considered in the Middle Ages to be connected to the sea and the word mare, as in the term Stella Maris, or "star of the sea," an epithet for the Virgin Mary.

From all of this jumping around, I find myself a little confused and a bit conflicted.  The meanings seem quite different from each other.  "Bitterness" and "Rebelliousness" are not meanings that I want to apply to me.  My heart wants to go with "wished for child" because I want to think that I was and am wanted, or "star of the sea" because then I would be something steady that people follow to find their way.  Mostly I want the meaning of "beloved" because I want to be the beloved of others, and I know I am especially the "beloved" of God.

Marie
"Beloved"

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Should List

This is the "Should List" that I wrote down on a sheet of notebook paper in the very midst of my depression (in 2004 I believe).  I was trying to go by this list in my life as a Christian in order to live well, but it was really killing me.


The Should List
I should:
  • be a better Christian
  • read my Bible every day
  • pray every day
  • feel a connection with God
  • have joy in worship
  • not question God
  • not doubt God
  • go to church every week
  • be a missionary
  • live every moment to the best of my ability
  • be making a difference for eternity
  • be happy always
  • be thankful always
  • be a leader
  • trust God through all circumstances
  • talk openly about what God is doing in my life
  • always be trying to be more like Christ
  • be helping people
  • be doing something important
  • be strong on my own
  • get excited when others do missions
  • be involved in a Bible study
  • have Christian friends
  • apply the Bible to my life
  • not be jealous of other people
  • not judge other people
  • eat healthy food
  • exercise almost every day
  • have close relationships with my family and friends
  • be in a relationship
  • do everything perfectly
  • want to live 
  • not want to die

I believed that I should be doing all these things in order to be a "good Christian."  Somehow I thought that this would make God happier with me and that I would be happier myself and more at peace if I could do all of these things perfectly.  The problem was that I knew that I couldn't do all the "shoulds".  Even if other people looked at me and thought that I was doing a good job, I knew in my heart that I wasn't doing them (and don't tell, but I didn't even always want to do them).  Therefore, I knew that I was a "bad Christian."  I was a fake.  I was a failure to myself and to God.  I could not be happy.  I could not feel peace as a Christian, even though I "should."

I knew that the blood of Jesus covered my sins, but it took me a long time to realize that Jesus' blood had covered even my inability to do the "shoulds".  He knew the true me.  He knew I couldn't do it.  

Jesus was saying to me, "I'll do it.  I have done it all for you on the cross.  I love you as you are.  You don't need to "should" on yourself.  When God looks at you, He sees Me in my perfection and is satisfied."  

Wow, what a relief that was!  God loved even the messy me, the me that was always falling short.  I could finally be OK with myself because God was OK with me.  I could be free from all the guilt and shame and striving and just rest in Him.  I no longer had to worry about the "shoulds" because God was the one who would work in me to make me the beautiful person He wanted me to be.  He became my peace and rest and the source of a quiet happiness that continues on.


Thank you Jesus.

                                          ~Cindy

Sunday, April 8, 2012

The Meaning of My Name, Cynthia, "Κυνθία" ...(AKA "Cindy")


Have you ever wondered about your name?  Where it came from?  What it means?  Do you wonder if you reflect that meaning at all in who you are?  Well, I did.  I wondered, who was I?  Could my name tell me something special about my unique self?  Well, it turns out that the answer for me, Cynthia or Cindy, is yes.  So here it is:

Cynthia

Cynthia is a name of Greek origin: Κυνθία, Kynthía "from Mount Cynthus" on Delos Island.  Cynthia was originally an epithet, or a descriptive title, of the Greek goddess of the moon, Artemis, who was sometimes called "Cynthia" because, according to legend, the goddess was born on Mount Cynthus.

Cynthia has the meaning "goddess of the moon," or "the moon personified," and Cindy also carries with it the meaning "Bringer of Light."
The Moon

The moon is the natural satellite of Earth, and it is visible to us only by reflection of sunlight.  In the darkness is when the moon is mostly seen.  The moon is a beautiful thing in the night sky, but its beauty is not seen without the reflection of sunlight.


With my name, Cynthia, meaning "goddess of the moon," I like to think about how this meaning relates to me and who I am.  Though I am not a goddess, I know who the true God is, the true light that shines for us all.  In the Bible the Son of God, Jesus, is called the "true light."  John chapter 1, speaking of Jesus, says:
4 In him [Jesus] was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it...9 The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. 10 He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him...12 Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.
As it says in this passage, I have received Jesus.  I have believed in His Name, and I have become a child of God.  As Cynthia, "the moon," I am now reflecting the very source of true light.  In John chapter 8 it says:
12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
I have decided to follow Jesus.  I have the "Light of life" shining forth from my life.  As I am still moving around this Earth in the dark of night, I pray that God is using me, Cynthia, as the moon, to reflect His light to the dark world.  And I pray that He is using me, Cindy, to be "the bringer of Light" to those around me who are still in the dark without hope.

So when you look at me, may you see my Savior, Jesus, the Light of the world.  Amen.
Yes, Amen

More of Cindy's Story Blog
If you are interested in knowing more about how the meaning of my name has worked out and is being worked out in my life, you can read more.

My Depression Story (a Christian Woman's Story of Cutting, Suicide Attempts, and Bipolar Disorder)
Here is a popular and important post to read to know more about darkness and light in my life.  This entry is the story of many years of struggle and how I was brought out of the deep, dark pit that I had fallen into.

Asante sana,
~Cindy

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Over the Wake

I was looking through some old school papers tonight, and I came across one that I wrote in high school about the unknowns looming ahead of me at that time.  I have found it a bit interesting and makes me think, "hmmm," as I compare it to other times in my life and my way of thinking at that time.  I make some valid points in this paper that might be good to consider again in the face of fears.  So here it is:




OVER THE WAKE
by Cindy Boersma (1993 or 94)

"I don't want to water ski any more," I cried through my clenched teeth as the boat pulled me through the water.

The beach was getting closer.  I stood stiff legged on the skis, trying to keep them from slipping away.  The boat wake loomed like a mountain on either side of me, and suddenly the joy and excitement of water skiing was replaced by fear.  Would I make it over without crashing?  Would I be able to hang on to the rope until the right time?

I can feel that same fear now as I see that mountain of college unknowns standing in my future.  Will the classes be too hard?  Will I do well?  Will I make lots of friends?  Can I make it on my own?  Life up to now has been safe under the protection of my parents' roof, but soon I will leave this safe place and see what I am made of.

I had to see what I was made of that day water skiing.  Staying behind the boat in the smooth water between the wakes, I felt safe, but every skier knows that to be let off at the beach he can't stay behind the boat.  When it is time to be let off, the boat angles toward the shore.  Then it speeds up as it turns back again.  The skier flies over the wake and toward the shore.  When he can't get any closer by holding the rope, he lets go and glides smoothly into the shallow water.  All this may look simple when done by someone else, but for the first time it doesn't seem so simple.

Looking at the wake that day, I began to doubt my ability.  I could just see myself tumbling head over heels onto the skis and hard water beneath me.  Why did I have to go into the shore?  Couldn't I keep on skiing, staying safe between the wakes?  I wanted to believe that, but I knew that was unreasonable. My arms and legs were already starting to ache.  If the boat didn't run out of gas first, I would.  Then I would crash for sure.

"Let go of the rope," a voice in my head suggested, "then you could avoid the humiliation and hurt in crashing and just sink safely into the water."

Yes, that would be so much easier, but no.  I had to hold on because letting go would be giving up.  If I let go, I would never know if I could cross that big wake.  And to be the best water skier I can be, I have to cross it one day.

"Just let go," the voice repeated.

The boat was speeding up.  I had to decide now.  So I took a deep breath, gripped the handle with all my might, and turned my skis toward the wake.

The unknowns in my future may look as big as the wake of that boat, but no matter what, I will take a deep breath, grip the handle with all my might, and turn my skis toward the wake.

I will not let go!

                          

Well, there it is.  "Hmmm."  I am sitting here thinking, and don't quite know what to say.  Who would have known that I would come to a time later in my life when I would let go...

...Maybe though, God is giving me another chance to make a grand beach finish.

Death and Freedom - My Butterfly Tattoo


When I got my butterfly tattoo, I decided on a butterfly because I just like butterflies.  I think they are pretty, so delicate and free.  Free to fly and flutter through the fields and flowers and trees.  But where do they come from, these things of delicate beauty?  Have they always been so free?  Do they arrive in the world with such brilliance which allows them defy the gravity that holds them down?  And why does my eye follow them in wonder?

The Butterfly Tattoo I have on my lower back.

I read tonight on The Butterfly Site on the internet that the pupa stage is "one of the coolest stages of a butterfly’s life."  It sure doesn't seem very cool to me though.  I remember once as a kid finding a chrysalis, as they are called, in our back yard.   To me it didn't look very cool.  It looked like something that was dead.  I watched it for a moment, and nothing happened.  It was ugly, and I threw it away.  

As I think about that, I think about my years of deep, dark struggles in depression.  I felt like I was something that was dead, something that was ugly and needed to be thrown away.  Nothing good was happening.  

A chrysalis once was a caterpillar that was very much alive, moving around, taking in all it could.  Wasn't that what happened to me?  I was once so alive, and then everything stopped.  I was stuck.  Nothing good was happening.

But wait, as the web site continues it says, "From the outside of a chrysalis, it looks as if the caterpillar may just be resting[or dead], but the inside is where all of the action is.  Inside of the chrysalis, the caterpillar is rapidly changing.   Now, as most people know, caterpillars are short, stubby and have no wings at all.  Within the chrysalis the old body parts of the caterpillar are undergoing a remarkable transformation...to become the beautiful parts that make up the butterfly that will emerge."

I can now look back and say that about myself at my time of depression.  From the outside it looked(and felt) like I was dead, but the inside is where all of the action was.  Inside, I was slowly changing.  Within me, the old parts of myself and my understanding and my heart were making a remarkable transformation to become the beautiful parts that make up the me that is starting to emerge bit by bit today.

I realized that God loved me even in that time of death and ugliness.  In fact, it is because of that death and ugliness that I was able to feel an unfathomable, deep, and unconditional love that God has for me.   "For God soooooo loved the world[including me] that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life." (John 3:16)  Wow!  Because I believe, when God looks at me He sees the perfection of His Son Jesus!  I can't even understand that great of a love.  Feeling that love made it OK for me to be me, just me as I am, just me with Jesus as my Savior and the Spirit within me.   What a freedom! 

This freedom that I now am experiencing to be me, the me that God made and loves, brings with it a kind of quiet confidence to begin to stretch my new wings and to start to learn to see that there is hope that God will really let this butterfly fly free, released from the gravity of what held me down. 

So, now when I think of my butterfly tattoo, I think of the freedom I have in Christ, and I wonder what delicate beauty the world will be able to see in me?




Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Sara Groves "You Cannot Lose My Love"

This song by Sara Groves, "You Cannot Lose My Love," gave me hope and comfort as I slowly came up out of the pit and darkness in my life.  The truth in this song is something that I hold on to and carry with me in the depths of my soul.




God loves us so much. It says in Romans 8:38 & 39 (New Living Translation):

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from His[God's] love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."



Simple Plan "Untitled"


This song by Simple Plan, "Untitled," is a song that expresses the feeling that I had when in that long time of darkness in my life.  * Caution: If you are already feeling down, this is a very sad song and may not be helpful.




When in such a place, it is hard to see anything that could be good.  It is hard to see God.  But this was not the end...

My Depression Story Art


These are pictures of the art that I made that go along with My Depression Story in my last entry.


"The Pit"



"Out of the Pit"


Monday, April 2, 2012

My Depression Story 2012

The dark part of my story and the pit into which I fell...


My Depression Story 2012


(click on the link to go to the story)




The Story that is My Life

So, I thought that I would try something new.  My life as it has been and as it continues to unfold is a story.  One story made up of many stories.  One complex, yet simple story.  One sometimes messy, but so beautiful story.  One story that I wonder if it might be interesting to be told.

This blog is going to be my attempt to put part, or parts, of that story into words, or pictures, or whatever form my mind can wrap itself around or create from within myself to express what it is like to be the one inside Cindy's Story.  I don't know much about how this will work, so it will be an exploration on my part and on yours in reading, and seeing, and maybe even hearing.  It will not be chronological.  It might not always make sense.  But, it will be my expression.  It will be me.

If you are reading this, it is because you are important and you have made your way into my story, or you saw when it began.  You are invited to continue on with me as I see what unfolds........