The Story that is My Life

My life as it has been and as it continues to unfold is a story. One story made up of many stories. One complex, yet simple story. One sometimes messy, but so beautiful story. One story that I wonder if it might be interesting to be told.

This blog is my attempt to put part, or parts, of that story into words, pictures, or whatever form my mind can wrap itself around or create from within myself to express what it is like to be the one inside Cindy's Story. This is an exploration on my part and on yours in reading, and seeing, and maybe even hearing. It is not necessarily chronological. It might not always make sense, but it is my expression. It is me.

You are invited to see how my story unfolds.....

Friday, April 18, 2014

Cutting and Scars - To Those Who Are Like Me. *Caution: photos may be triggering*

I read this today, and it brought me back.


To all those who are like me, who have cut and desired to die and now have scars,

I remember that feeling which I had for so long of the need to cut myself and the desire I had every day to kill myself, and I remember the razors I had hidden throughout my house and my life, there to be used whenever the feelings were too strong.  

Scars on my wrist from my years of struggle (Please be gentle with me.  This is the first time I have shared them).

It took a long, agonizing time to begin to recover, but I was helped along by others to learn healthier ways to cope.  But the biggest awakening to me while I was down in that pit was to know the truth that God loved me completely just the way I was even in the midst of my awfulness and shame and sadness.  No one else could do that for me.  I didn't have to be better first. 

Now when I look at the scars on my wrists, I am reminded of the agony of that part of my journey through the dark and heavy shadow of death to which I almost succumb(or did and was rescued again and again).  That memory never leaves me like the many scars on my wrists that have been gone over and over until they became a forever part of me.

 You know the feeling, the ache that won't leave, the intense hatred of self and life, the plea for it to be over, and the fear that it might be.  And you probably know the feeling of being unlovable, of seeing all the discustingness  and falseness inside, or of realizing there is nothing of worth there at all...

...And yet there is ONE TRUTH that reaches beyond all the darkness we are caught in.  Maybe you have heard it?  God puts his arms around us and says, "I love you just the way you are, scars and all.  I gave my only son over to death for you.  He has taken your place in this darkness.  You don't have to punish yourself and die.  Jesus has already conquered this death for you.  Trust me.  My arms are around you.  Believe, and rest, and live.  I love you forever."  

Jesus back after being lashed 39 times, taking on our punishment.
Jesus hand being nailed to the cross.
Jesus feet nailed to the cross

Look at Jesus' back, and hands, and feet.  See the scars that he has that were caused so that he could rescue us from the "hell" we are trapped in.

Scars remain on Jesus' hands after raising from the dead for us.
Scars remain on Jesus' feet after raising from the dead for us.

Jesus has scars.  He gives us a reason to consider hope.  I mean, who can understand more than us the significance of the literal scars Jesus carries on himself and the agony he went through that was so deep that he sweat literal drops of blood as he cried out for it all to be taken away.  I remember crying so hard that I had to gasp for air.  But Jesus went through that pain and incredible loneliness so that when he conquered that death, people like me and you with our many and deep scars may be loved and rescued and free.  I believe, and this alone gives me hope and this new kind of peace and new life. 

A symbol of the cross on which Jesus died that now covers all my sin and shame.

Today I told God all about your pain (yes, you that are reading this now) and that you are lost and alone.  I cried tears for you, and I could sense that God was crying tears for you too.  He is waiting for you to come to him so he can give you love, and hope, and purpose, and rest, and life, and make you new.

What greater love has man than this, that he would give his life for his friend.

(To read the story of Jesus' agony and scars, read the book of John in the Bible.. I would love to hear your story of scars and after you have read his story in the book of John, what Jesus' scars mean to you. If you have trouble finding it let me know.)

You are in my heart and prayers.
With love,

~Cindy