|Pondering spirituality, singleness, and missions on one of my favorite thinking rocks|
What would happen if I listened to my heart? What if I stopped seeking to be the most spiritual that I can be on my own? What if I stopped trying to get to that position that I think God honors the most? Would God be disappointed in me? Would I be less of a Christian because I can't make it on my own? Would God honor the desires of my heart and show me that He was in them?
What am I trying to prove?
I told God that I was willing to go anywhere and do anything for him, and I gave up my dream of the satisfied settled Christian family I desired. I told God that I would be ready and prepared to be a missionary in case he called, and I gave up an education as an accountant and a future, well paying job. I told God I would be a missionary, and I gave up marriage to the man I loved.
What must I give up next? How much loss must my heart endure to please my God?
I have told God that I will go as a missionary even as a single woman to unreached peoples. Does this mean that I must now give up the hope of ever having a husband and children? Are all of my desires wrong that He must take them from me? Am I a failure if I admit that I cannot do this on my own?
Is it okay to need someone to love and to need to need someone to love me?
My heart yearns for companionship in seeking after God and serving Him. Oh, to be able to glorify God through the in a marriage relationship. But, I fear, as a single woman, that my heart will continually seek its companion (in the pursuit of God) by attaching itself to leading men in inappropriate ways. I do want to be pure without detaching myself from life and the ability to love.
Am I too weak, Lord, if I say that I cannot fully do this on my own?
I am not as strong as I thought I had to be, but I long to be used by you. I long to give myself fully to You and to others. No distractions, forward together.
What do I do? Move forward on my own, or wait, listen, and trust the You will fulfill the desires You have given me even if others do not understand.
Show me your way Lord. I love You.