The Story that is My Life

My life as it has been and as it continues to unfold is a story. One story made up of many stories. One complex, yet simple story. One sometimes messy, but so beautiful story. One story that I wonder if it might be interesting to be told.

This blog is my attempt to put part, or parts, of that story into words, pictures, or whatever form my mind can wrap itself around or create from within myself to express what it is like to be the one inside Cindy's Story. This is an exploration on my part and on yours in reading, and seeing, and maybe even hearing. It is not necessarily chronological. It might not always make sense, but it is my expression. It is me.

You are invited to see how my story unfolds.....

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Struggle in a Sentence - Survey #2



Survey:  Struggle in a Sentence
We would like to help people who don't have a mental illness, get a little understanding of what it might feeling like.  If you struggle with any of the following areas, in a few words or a sentence, describe what your struggle feels like. (It can be a struggle now or in the past).

Cindy:

I do not have all the following diagnosis', but I do have some of them, and the other one's I commented on, I have felt a bit what they are like.
  • Depression:  Stuck in the deepest pit, dark clouds above my head, with a force field closely surrounding me so you can't come in.
  • Bipolar:  Some days I make long lists and keep checking them off, others everything just drops to the floor and nothing moves, including me.
  • Anxiety:  Something is going to happen...it's going to be bad.  Someone is going to notice...it is going to be worse.  I won't be able to deal with it...I will implode and explode all at the same time.
  • Panic Attacks:  Like a pressure of fear is building up inside me, but I am frozen in one place.  My heart speeds up, and it is hard to catch a breath.  I feel the tears and hyperventilation coming.  The elephant that is sitting on my chest is going to crush me.
  • Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD):  The world is too much to take in.  I promised you I would call if I wanted to hurt myself, so here I am, "hi."  Now I can do it.  Wait, I will learn a way to survive.
  • Bulimia:  I tried it, one single, solitary time, but I was a failure.  Too difficult.  Too gross.
  • Anorexia:  "I am not anorexic.  I just haven't eaten for four or five months," I said to myself.  I was fat, then not so much.  Once.  Twice.  It is too all consuming to consume nothing.
  • Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD):  0, 2, 4 ,6, 8..9, 11  No!!!  Fix it!  Fix it!  It's not ok!
  • Cutting and Self Harm:  I cut so I can know I will be able to kill myself if I need to.  I focus on the pain so I won't.
  • Co-Dependency:  "Thank you for saving me.  Don't leave me or I will die."
  • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD):  Flash!  It's back again!  Panic!  I must stay far away.
  • Trichotillomania (hair pulling):  How did that happen? Half my eyebrows are gone.  I guess I pulled them out without even realizing it.
  • Dermatillomania (skin picking):  I must get the imperfection off my skin.  It feels like there is poison under my skin.  I need to let it out.

Survey:
Comfort in a sentence.
Thank you for your answers.  Is there anything that you have learned about God through the above feelings and experiences that you can share with others in similar situations?

Cindy:
Yes, though some of these things took me a long time to learn.
  • Depression:  God comes down into the pit with me.  He becomes my refuge.  He is gentle, humble, and gives me rest for my soul.
  • Bipolar:  Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  He can handle my ups and downs.
  • Anxiety:  Something is going to happen...it's going to be bad, but God is with me.  Someone is going to notice...it is going to be worse, but God is with me.  I may feel that I am going to implode and explode all at the same time, but God is with me.
  • Panic Attacks:  The panic goes down as I imagine Jesus sitting next to me ready to rescue me and give me strength.  I take a deep breath and let it out in trust as the panic slowly subsides.
  • Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD):  It took a lot of struggle, and asking for help, and learning to live life all over again.  One thing at a time.  But on the good side, my relationship with my God feels like I am starting anew as well.  A new love from him and for him, and new excitement as he shows me simple joys he can give me, one at a time.  He is patient.
  • Anorexia:  "It is ok to be flawed and fabulous," (quote from a Dove candy wrapper).  The true food I need is the very Word of God.
  • Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD):  0, 2, 4 ,6, 8..9, 11........Its ok.  I can fix it, or I can leave it.  God holds the world in his hands.
  • Cutting and Self Harm:  Jesus loves me just as I am.  I do not need to hate myself.  When God looks at me, he does not see all my sin and turn away, he sees the perfection of his Son who saved me.  Jesus took the punishment for my sin.  I believed.  Now I do not need to hurt myself.  Mine life is not mine to take.
  • Co-Dependency:  Jesus is the one who truly saved me.  He is with me so I can be ok even at the times I am on my own.
  • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD):  Every time it comes back, God comforts me anew and  carries me through.
  • Trichotillomania (hair pulling):  God knows the number of hairs on my head and all that is within my heart.
  • Dermatillomania (skin picking):  It is amazing that no matter what I do, God keeps healing me.

Survey:
Sum up in a sentence (or a few).

Cindy:
I become depressed and struggled and wanted to die.  God came down, he is continually with me, he's always the same, he comforts me anew, and he carries me as I need him to do.
No matter the bad that I feel or that I do, as I give me heart to God, he keeps healing me through and through.
One day he will take me home, when it is a joy for him to do.