The Story that is My Life

My life as it has been and as it continues to unfold is a story. One story made up of many stories. One complex, yet simple story. One sometimes messy, but so beautiful story. One story that I wonder if it might be interesting to be told.

This blog is my attempt to put part, or parts, of that story into words, pictures, or whatever form my mind can wrap itself around or create from within myself to express what it is like to be the one inside Cindy's Story. This is an exploration on my part and on yours in reading, and seeing, and maybe even hearing. It is not necessarily chronological. It might not always make sense, but it is my expression. It is me.

You are invited to see how my story unfolds.....

Saturday, July 11, 2015

the beginning of the downward spiral

The following are sections of emails written to a friend in August 2001.  This was at the beginning of my spiral into depression.  I know it is sad, but I include it on my blog to show that even Christians who desire to be close to God can get depressed.  Sometimes we can't get out of it on our own.  We need help from outside ourselves.

--------------------------------------

Saturday, August 25, 2001
me

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
me, i am still just here................
.................................................... life continues...what can I say?  i can't make sense of it right now.
sorry, i'm just trying not to think about some things...................
God, this is hard.  why must it be this way?

p.s. i am okay most of the time.  it is just when i think about things that the weariness, ache, and fear grips me, and i have to turn away.  i don't know how to do this.

----------------------------------------

Sunday, August 26, 2001
so lost

i'm sorry about my silence.  i do still need help and encouragement and good words at this time.

it is just that i don't want anyone to have to go through the stuff that i put myself through.  sometimes it can be like a dark cloud floating in front of my eyes,
or walking through a river upstream.
other times (like last night) it is more like a lightning bolt that strikes me,
and i find myself collapsed on the bathroom floor in tears from the force.

after time, i know God brings me out the other side.
so i just wait.

i don't know how God wants me to do this.
....forgive me.........................please............

------------------------------------

Monday, August 27, 2001
Personality test weaknesses results

My personality is Melancholy.
My weaknesses include:

  • Easily depressed.  I have a hard time realizing that I control others by my moods.  I tend to take everything too personally, and I frequently look for trouble.  I spend too much mental energy dwelling on negatives.
  • Low self-image.  Because of my inborn negative inclinations, I focus my judgment most harshly upon myself.
  • Procrastination.  Because I am a perfectionist, I often refrain from starting certain projects because I am afraid I won't do them right.
  • Put unrealistic demands on others.  Because I have high standards I do everything to perfection, but when I impose my standards on others, this trait becomes a weakness.
--------------------------------

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Weakness Results

well, i guess now you understand a bit better some of the things that are a constant struggle for me.  i don't know what answers i have other than to live my life the way i believe God wants me to, to try to live for God and other people so as to try to forget about myself.  maybe now you see why I try so hard and put myself through so much, and maybe you see how I do get frustrated with and depressed with life.  it is very hard not to.  i am just glad that my real home is not here, but in heaven.  otherwise, I could not live.  Jesus is my hope.

---------------------------------

Once I began this spiral down into depression, the only way that I came out was through friends reaching in to help pull me out, medications to help my brain chemistry, counseling to talk through my fears, the prayers of my family to give me strength, and even a hospital stay now and then to rescue me from death or harm.  As a Christian, I was ashamed.  But, it turns out that the illness that came over me in a mental and emotional way was not a struggle to be ashamed of.   It was a struggle that taught me what love is: from God unconditionally and from his people who are in this struggle called life with me.  

If you find yourself in this struggle of depression as a Christian.  Do not be ashamed.  Reach out for the help that God has provided in friends, medications if necessary, professional therapy and talking, prayer from others, and even with emergency measures.  God loves you unconditionally.  Your brothers and sisters in Christ love you as well.

Jesus is still our hope.  Thank you Jesus.