The Story that is My Life

My life as it has been and as it continues to unfold is a story. One story made up of many stories. One complex, yet simple story. One sometimes messy, but so beautiful story. One story that I wonder if it might be interesting to be told.

This blog is my attempt to put part, or parts, of that story into words, pictures, or whatever form my mind can wrap itself around or create from within myself to express what it is like to be the one inside Cindy's Story. This is an exploration on my part and on yours in reading, and seeing, and maybe even hearing. It is not necessarily chronological. It might not always make sense, but it is my expression. It is me.

You are invited to see how my story unfolds.....

Monday, March 13, 2017

Depression, Who am I? What's Wrong With Me? It's Not Just a Bad Day.

When you know someone is depressed, you may think, "Hey, just pull yourself out of it.  I've felt sad before, and I made it through."  
But depression is not like that.  If you want to know what it feels like for that person that you know who is depressed, this might give you an idea.  These words are not said lightly.  In fact these are some of the thought that went through my mind for the years of my depression.

Depression
Who am I?  
darkness
the worst
hurt
burning
don't succeed
not awake
crying
in my veins
stuck in reverse
lost
panic
a waste
to the bone
down below
give up
no worth
unfixable
tears stream
replaceable
more than a bad day
lost moments
gray skies
low
fake smile
offline
in pieces
sad
don't know
coming down
wrong
hiding
wasting away
not easy
endless
hard
weak
not holding on
stopped
alone
not ok
conquered
stolen soul
blame
unfair
end
no escape
drooping
night
not enough
empty
aching heart
turn to dust
fade away
break down
gone
lies
alone
silent screaming
shadow
ghost of a person
afraid
the lonely
no escape
shell of who I was
broken pieces
bairly breathing
let me go
rain never ending
cold
falling
sick forever
bleeding
breathing no longer
going under
depths of sorrow
slipping
locked inside
broken
nothing left
What's wrong with me?

There are so many words and statements that could be added to this list.  So you see, a person who is depressed is not just sad or having a bad day.  They are going through one of the deepest things that can grab a person's very soul.   I hope that by realizing the reality of the struggle, we will all show a little more understanding and concern and love.

Friday, January 13, 2017

A Change I'd Like to Make in 2017


I love him, but I don't spend much time with him. I forget that he is waiting and longing for me to come spend time with him. I love him, but I don't talk to him much at all. Sometimes days go by before I say anything to him. Sometimes I reminisce of the days when we were close, when we spent time together every day pursuing our shared desires in life.

It was so good, those times.  We would share life.  We would talk.  I would listen as he spoke to me, and he would listen as I spoke to him.  Not only did we speak together, but I loved him so much I would speak to my family and friends about how wonderful he was, and even speak to people that I didn't know about him.  My love for him spilled out and brought me joy!

The thing is, I still love him just as much.  I love him more than anyone or anything.  I would die without him.  So why do I ignore him and forget about him?  I know he loves me and is faithful.  He loves me so much he would die for me.

So, "Why?" you may ask, "do you not communicate?  Why do you not share every moment of your life with him?  Has he gone away?  Is he unreachable?"

"No," I say, "he, the one that I love, he is here."

He is always right beside me ready to listen, ready to speak into my life, ready to share joy, and ready to comfort me when I need it.  He wants to love me and provide for my deepest needs.  He waits for me and calls me to come to him.

So, this year, 2017, I would like to combine my feelings of love with my actions of love.  I want us to spend times talking, listening, and sharing.  I want us to be on the same page when it comes to the desires of our hearts.  I want to spend so much time with him that I begin to take on his wonderful likeness.  I want you to see such love and excitement from me that you ask me, "Who is this amazing one that you love?  How can I know him too?"

I want to love him with my life.

So I say, "Jesus Christ I love you."