The Story that is My Life

My life as it has been and as it continues to unfold is a story. One story made up of many stories. One complex, yet simple story. One sometimes messy, but so beautiful story. One story that I wonder if it might be interesting to be told.

This blog is my attempt to put part, or parts, of that story into words, pictures, or whatever form my mind can wrap itself around or create from within myself to express what it is like to be the one inside Cindy's Story. This is an exploration on my part and on yours in reading, and seeing, and maybe even hearing. It is not necessarily chronological. It might not always make sense, but it is my expression. It is me.

You are invited to see how my story unfolds.....

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Before Kenya, August 2, 2000

[This email was written to a friend two and a half weeks before I left for Kenya where I would live for a year as a missionary.]

Wednesday, August 2, 2000

I am thinking over things a bit seriously tonight.  It seems to get more and more real every day.  You know, the fact that I am really doing this, that i am really going to Kenya as a missionary, that I will really be totally living with the daily purpose of telling people about Jesus and helping them to grow closer to him.  Can you believe that?  I mean, I guess that is what I am supposed to be doing now anyway, but it seems so much more real and more my purpose now.  That is my whole reason in moving half way around the world to a whole new culture.

People here have given from what they have to support me believing that God can use me.  That is so overwhelming at times.  Sometimes it feels like I really have no idea what I am doing, that I have nothing of worth to offer.  I just try not to let myself listen to that because I remember that God can do whatever He wants and use whomever He wants.  It is not me and my abilities that are important, but God working through me.  I want Him to do that so badly...

Sorry, tears just started running down my cheeks.  I started thinking about how badly I want God to use me to bring people to an intimate relationship with Him, But then I think about how much of my relationship with Him I am missing.  I interact with Him on one level and just go along like that thinking everything is okay, but I think I could have more.  I have been realizing even more lately that an intimate relationship with someone is something that has to be really worked at if I want it to be good and strong and stand the test of time and be absolutely beautiful.  I guess I have to be willing to remain faithful as a close companion even in the times that it feels like I am a million miles away from the one I love.  With God, I guess that means being faithful in prayers and reading, studying, and meditating on His Word.

I have a feeling that God is really going to work on me this year.  I know that there are some things that I need to learn and start practicing as a consistent and remaining part of my life, things that I would like to have ingrained into my life.  I want to be close to my source of strength, God, so that I will not mistakenly try to draw my strength from another source instead and drain the joy out of the good thing things that are happening in my life.  I want to be able to look up in love for my Savior, and then look out in service for others, but if I get too inwardly focused and only see my troubles and struggles, then it will be hard to do that.

This is my desire: to love Jesus.

Wow, you really got a lot from me tonight.  I just let my thought flow through my fingers as they came.  Thank you for listening (well, reading I guess).

Good night,