The Story that is My Life

My life as it has been and as it continues to unfold is a story. One story made up of many stories. One complex, yet simple story. One sometimes messy, but so beautiful story. One story that I wonder if it might be interesting to be told.

This blog is my attempt to put part, or parts, of that story into words, pictures, or whatever form my mind can wrap itself around or create from within myself to express what it is like to be the one inside Cindy's Story. This is an exploration on my part and on yours in reading, and seeing, and maybe even hearing. It is not necessarily chronological. It might not always make sense, but it is my expression. It is me.

You are invited to see how my story unfolds.....

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Ponderings on Going as a Single Woman Missionary

Pondering spirituality, singleness, and missions on one of my favorite thinking rocks

What would happen if I listened to my heart?  What if I stopped seeking to be the most spiritual that I can be on my own?  What if I stopped trying to get to that position that I think God honors the most?  Would God be disappointed in me?  Would I be less of a Christian because I can't make it on my own? Would God honor the desires of my heart and show me that He was in them?

What am I trying to prove?

I told God that I was willing to go anywhere and do anything for him, and I gave up my dream of the satisfied settled Christian family I desired.  I told God that I would be ready and prepared to be a missionary in case he called, and I gave up an education as an accountant and a future, well paying job.  I told God I would be a missionary, and I gave up marriage to the man I loved.  

What must I give up next?  How much loss must my heart endure to please my God?

I have told God that I will go as a missionary even as a single woman to unreached peoples.  Does this mean that I must now give up the hope of ever having a husband and children?  Are all of my desires wrong that He must take them from me?  Am I a failure if I admit that I cannot do this on my own?  

Is it okay to need someone to love and to need to need someone to love me?

My heart yearns for companionship in seeking after God and serving Him.  Oh, to be able to glorify God through the in a marriage relationship.  But, I fear, as a single woman, that my heart will continually seek its companion (in the pursuit of God) by attaching itself to leading men in inappropriate ways.  I do want to be pure without detaching myself from life and the ability to love.

Am I too weak, Lord, if I say that I cannot fully do this on my own?

I am not as strong as I thought I had to be, but I long to be used by you.  I long to give myself fully to You and to others.  No distractions, forward together.

What do I do?  Move forward on my own, or wait, listen, and trust the You will fulfill the desires You have given me even if others do not understand.  

Show me your way Lord.  I love You.

Your Daughter,
~Cynthia Marie

Inspiring Poems and Quotes, 20 November 1999

The following  are some poems and quotes that touched my heart from Brent Curtis in "Less-Wild Lovers," which I had written in a journal entry during my senior year of college:

"Batter my heart three personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend.
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new,
I like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but, oh to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend;
But is captive and proves weak or untrue.

Yet dearly I love you and would be loved fain;
But am betrothed unto your enemy;
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me."

- Brent Curtis, "Less-Wild Lovers"

...sentences left by one former traveler,
"Don't be afraid of embracing the disappointment you feel, old or new.  Don't be scared of the unreachable joy either.  They're the highway markers home.  I've gone on ahead.
Your Truly."

-Brent Curtis, "Less-Wild Lovers"

"There comes a place on our spiritual journey where renewed religious activity is of no use whatsoever.  It is the place where God holds out his hand and asks us to give up our lovers and come and live with him in a much more personal way...We are both drawn to it and fear it.
The desire God has placed within us is wild in it's longing to pursue the One who is unknown.  Its capacity and drive is so powerful that it can only be captured momentarily in moments of deep soul communion or sexual ecstasy.  And when the moment has passed, we can only hold it as an ache, a haunting of quicksilver that flashes a remembrance of innocence known and lost, and if we have begun to pass into the life of the Beloved, a hope of ecstasies yet to come.
To hope in the kind of goodness that would set our heart free, we must be willing to allow our desire to remain haunted."

-Brent Curtis, "Less-Wild Lovers"

Something to ponder.

Link to Brent Curtis's, "Less-Wild Lovers"