The Story that is My Life

My life as it has been and as it continues to unfold is a story. One story made up of many stories. One complex, yet simple story. One sometimes messy, but so beautiful story. One story that I wonder if it might be interesting to be told.

This blog is my attempt to put part, or parts, of that story into words, pictures, or whatever form my mind can wrap itself around or create from within myself to express what it is like to be the one inside Cindy's Story. This is an exploration on my part and on yours in reading, and seeing, and maybe even hearing. It is not necessarily chronological. It might not always make sense, but it is my expression. It is me.

You are invited to see how my story unfolds.....

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

My Resistance to Being Free

Do you have an addiction or way of doing something that harms yourself rather than helping you heal?  You may not know other ways to cope in life, or you may have been shown other ways to cope but don't know if you can walk through the process of healing.  I know.  I was this way during my times of depression and deep down struggles for years.  In my life, I used cutting on myself to numb my pain, but you may use something else like alcohol, sex, anorexia, bulimia, overeating, drugs, violence, pornography, etc... to numb your pain.  All these are self-harmful behaviors that we need healing from.  It is hard, and we don't always want to be healed or escape from our prison.  That is why I have included this entry from my journal in 2006 in which I pondered these thoughts of healing and the resistance in my mind.  Maybe you can relate.

"Oh, to be free."
April 2006
Journal Entry
re: Am I willing to commit to strive toward healing of my addiction to self-harmful behavior?

Feeling of resistance that arise when I imagine myself completely free and healed from my self-harm behavior:
  • I can't do it.
  • I don't want to be healed.
  • I will always want to hurt myself.
  • There is too much pain to sit with when I don't hurt myself.
  • It is hard to imagine not wanting to hurt myself.
  • I am angry that things do not go the way I want, and I need a way to express that.
  • I resent that God did not let me have what I wanted: the man I loved, the future life and career that I wanted, etc...
  • I will be sad to lose my known way of coping with pain (self-harm).
  • It feels like I need a time to grieve the loss of something which has brought me comfort in unbearable times.
  • I do not want to have to feel uncomfortable, to have to feel hurt, anger, incompetence, sadness, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, rejection, etc...
  • I do not want to let go of the feeling of control, of focused attention, of forgetting, of getting what I deserve, of a high through the pain.

What might be stopping me from being healed of my addiction to self-harm:
  • Harming myself is familiar.
  • Having a problem gives me a reason to seek help with this life that I don't know how to handle.
  • When people are concerned about my wellbeing it makes me feel cared for.
  • If I am well, people won't have a reason to love me.
  • I like feeling different from everyone else.
  • I like having the physical scars to show the pain I've been through to get me to where I am today and to make me who I am now.
  • I like having a side to me that most people don't know about.
  • I like feeling like I am one breath or step away from leaving this life and being with Jesus and knowing complete love and acceptance.
  • I like having a way of understanding and sharing the struggles/hang-ups of others and relating on a deeper level.

Am I committed to healing?
  • I think I am ready to be healed of self-harmful behavior.  I am at least ready to try it for a while and see how I handle life.
  • To be honest, I have lots of doubts and I would like to keep the option of self-harm in my back pocket as a back up.
  • The people that are closest to me are supportive, though I don't let most of them know when I am struggling or when I do cut.
  • On the one hand, the approval of those closest to me is important, which is why I hide my self-harm.
  • On the other hand, I don't care if they approve of what I do or not do as long as I feel that I am being true to myself and my feelings.
  • I feel that my loved ones can not possible understand what I do and why I do it. It feels like they look down on me, and so I don't feel supported.
  • I have never really talked with my loved ones and asked them for their support, and I don't know if I want to.  I would feel, and do feel, condemned by them, whether perceived or otherwise.
  • I don't think I am trying to change my loved ones in any way, though I would like it if they would be more understanding of my struggles and also willing to admit to and share their own struggles with me.
  • I am waiting for them to change for me before I am willing to change for them and for myself.

(After looking back over my healing process, I am writing today in August 2014, the following section about how healing from self-harm applied to me.)

Can I put off the resistance, push through the barriers, and be committed to healing for my own sake?
  • That is the question.
  • It is not easy.
  • I need help.
  • It is here.
  • Thank you Jesus.
  • I will try.
  • You will hold my hand.
  • It may take time.
  • I will be free.