I guess I feel fine.
But I think I have had enough of "fine".
Where is the intensity of my emotion and creativity? Sometimes I want to just be down for a while. I want to feel the sadness, to isolate myself, and to let my thoughts go back to remember those dark times. I want to express the sorrow in the world that reaches within my heart. I want to remember the glimmer of light I saw that was from the moon, that came through the darkness of night and the pressing cover of clouds. I want to feel what a ray of hope is like again. Is it really a sliver of a light of hope or just a reminder of the great darkness all around of which I cannot escape?
There is something satisfying in feeling a feeling to it's very depth. It makes my soul feel alive. To truly know sadness, hopelessness, fear, and pain completely; the utter rawness and purity of that emotion is my breath.
Do I make a difference in my own or anyone's life when I just feel "fine"? Can my words contain any meaning without me having experienced those words to the purity of their utter core? Can you have meaning from love if you have never been ripped away from that love or been without a love at all?
Does my life mean anything if I am always "happy"? Is the sunshine anything to me if I have never lived in darkness? Can too much happiness and comfort take away joy? When I am up, I can only fall. I hide myself from the light and look down.
When I lay down in the lowest valley and feel the damp earth below me, I peer up through slightly squinted eyes and am able to see the small bright points of light, and I wonder and dream. Anything is possible in my mind when I look up and let my mind be freed to go as far as my thoughts can reach, and imagine, and feel. Darkness makes each small light more brilliant than it ever could be without.
I say, "I think I will stay here for a night and watch the stars until the morning comes with its light, and the far points of stars light are swallowed."
The all encompassing light takes over each small point of star light. It drowns my thoughts, and ideas, and it blinds me to the appreciation of the small hopes and glimpses of forever. The glimpses that made me rest in the bitter sweetness of the soil of the lowest valley.
"Let me feel my sadness, my sorrow, my hopelessness, my fear, and my pain completely." I feel, and experience, and express my life. I find meaning in my pain, and I find connection with you. I see through the "fine" that you say you are, to the emotion deep inside.
I am going down. I'll meet you there in the valley, and we can lay on a blanket of complete surrender and watch the stars together.