The Story that is My Life

My life as it has been and as it continues to unfold is a story. One story made up of many stories. One complex, yet simple story. One sometimes messy, but so beautiful story. One story that I wonder if it might be interesting to be told.

This blog is my attempt to put part, or parts, of that story into words, pictures, or whatever form my mind can wrap itself around or create from within myself to express what it is like to be the one inside Cindy's Story. This is an exploration on my part and on yours in reading, and seeing, and maybe even hearing. It is not necessarily chronological. It might not always make sense, but it is my expression. It is me.

You are invited to see how my story unfolds.....

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

A Glimpse into My Melancholy

Charpentier, Constance Marie - Melancholy

Do you ever feel it?  Melancholy.  "A feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause."  I feel it.  Sitting on my bed, my cat purring and kneading on my lap, sighing with my eyes softly closed with Moonlight Sonata playing softly and slowly in the background.

I don't want to interact with the world.  I am satisfied to take small joys from my books, movies, and music right here in my own space.  I have no need to venture out into the world, and if I do, I feel as if I am floating along somehow separate.  There is my mind, and then there is every where, thing, and body else.  Colors, sounds, and smells are muted as the world moves along, and I pause in my moment.

What does one do with melancholy?  Drift along with it?  Get out and try to face it in defiance?

Melancholy is hard to pin down.  I think it can present itself in a quiet sort of acceptance of a beautiful, beloved thing coming to an end.  I've had it come to me after a perfect, unbelievable  moment happened, a moment that you can only be believed in the movies that is now, and then it is gone.  This melancholy is like dancing to a slow song alone in the dark.

Pensive sadness, "Reflecting deep or serious thought" over emotional pain.  When I look into a rapidly flowing river all I see is a danger, an anger, a confusion, but when I look into a clear, calmly flowing stream I see a wavy reflection of something that is or was.  I can look deeply and contemplate what can or never will be.  I can see into my own eyes in the deep reflection and possibly get a glimpse of my soul.  For this moment in my melancholy may find me with feelings of loss, despair, grief, helplessness, disappointment or possibly sorrow.  All I can do is sit with it quietly.

The melancholy may last a while, but as I wait, eventually it drifts away.  If I sit looking into the reflection of the calm stream for enough time, the sun eventually comes out in rays of light that touch my face, warm my soul, and bring a smile.  As if Jesus sits down next to me and places his hand gently on my shoulder.  God's love shows itself and wakes me from my revelry with hope for a new day.  With no obvious cause the melancholy came, and with God's touch and his love for me, the melancholy turns into sweet soft smiles of joy and possibly a twinkle in my eye.  A sigh.  Jesus is here even in my melancholy.