The Story that is My Life

My life as it has been and as it continues to unfold is a story. One story made up of many stories. One complex, yet simple story. One sometimes messy, but so beautiful story. One story that I wonder if it might be interesting to be told.

This blog is my attempt to put part, or parts, of that story into words, pictures, or whatever form my mind can wrap itself around or create from within myself to express what it is like to be the one inside Cindy's Story. This is an exploration on my part and on yours in reading, and seeing, and maybe even hearing. It is not necessarily chronological. It might not always make sense, but it is my expression. It is me.

You are invited to see how my story unfolds.....

Saturday, August 19, 2017

My Experience Going To a New Psychiatric Medication Provider


I went to a new psychiatric nurse practitioner today.  I am on medication for depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and other mental health issues.  I have been on medications now for over 15 years and I am doing very well.  The problem is that the nurse practitioner that has been prescribing my medications just retired last month, giving me only one month's notice.  I had to scramble to find someone new to prescribe my medications so that I could continue to be mentally healthy.  The first psych nurse that I called and left three messages for never got back to me.  Then I was given the name of another psych nurse.  She actually called me back, and we set up an appointment.

Today at noon was my first appointment with this new psychiatric nurse practitioner.  Now I am starting over again with a new person.  Even though I have been going to someone for years for my medications and even in this same office, some things happened to me when I got into the office that I didn't expect.

I suddenly felt the nerves in my body go on high alert.  I wished that the person at the checkin desk would smile at me as I gave her my insurance card all over again and paid my coinsurance.  I sat with my back to the wall so I could see the whole room and nothing could surprise me.  I could not read a magazine because my mind needed to be aware and alert to the whole room.  I waited for the unknown.

I worried a bit when she was five minutes late in calling me back to her office.  Questions filled my mind.  Will she be a nice person?  What if she is not nice and I am stuck with her for who knows how long?  Will she make this a formal process or relaxed?  Will she respect me as a person and not just see me as my mental illness?

When she finally came to get me and led me into her office (actually the same office my last psych nurse had been in), I had to choose which chair to sit in, the one closer to her chair, or the one further away.  I chose the closer chair because that is the one I had used with my last psych nurse.  I reasoned that I would sit in it to show myself that I was okay.  I wish I would have sat in the chair further away to show that it would take some time before I could trust her.  Maybe next time.

Once she sat down, it was time for the intake.  Time to start over again.  This is what happened and how I felt.
  • She had me sign papers of privacy and conditions of treatment.  I felt like I was a business acquisition or a child being told how I could get in trouble.
  • She took my pulse and blood pressure.  It was high.  It is usually low.  That proved that my nerves were on high alert.
  • She asked me about my doses of medications, including when I had started each one, what other medications I had taken in the past, and why I had changed them.  I felt stupid because I couldn't remember.  After all, back when I was going through the dark times I didn't care what was happening to me or when things changed.  I have never been one to write these things down or remember dates.
  • We went through questions about why I was on the medications, what had happened in my depression, why I was told I had bipolar disorder, when I had been in the hospital, what I had used to try to kill myself, and many other personal questions about my mental health.  I felt like she thought I was still in that state or that she was on edge in case I might be a danger to myself or others now.  It felt like back when I went into the hospital those times and everyone was suspicious of me, looking out for the worst in me.  I don't like it when only the bad and hard times of my life are known without a person seeing me as me, without seeing how far I have come.  I don't like being known as my illness.
  • She asked me if I felt like harming myself or others today.  No, of course not.  She didn't know that when those questions are asked of me that all sorts of past memories flood my mind and worry comes across my face.  I wanted to get defensive, but she didn't know any better.  She doesn't yet know me or trust me.
I know that all these things were a part of what needed to be done upon seeing a new psychiatric nurse practitioner, but I wish these things would have happened also or instead.
  • I wish she would have had me fill out the info about myself before I came in to see her in person.
  • I wish the intake process didn't have to be just about negative stuff on the first visit.  It is hard telling a person that I don't even know yet about the deepest negative things in my life.
  • I wish that she would have asked me how I have overcome my mental illnesses.
  • I wish she would have asked me about the skills I have learned to help me cope with and live my life.
  • I wish she would have asked me to describe my current good mental state.
  • I wish she would have said a couple encouraging words or a positive complement about me.
  • I wish I didn't have to always be a patient in the mental health system.  It would have been nice if she would have acknowledged that.
In general, I wish I didn't have to go back to the beginning again.  But it is necessary.  I am a person with a mental health diagnosis of which medication helps me to live at a healthy level.  So I do what needs to be done.  I retell my story of the hard times knowing that it will keep the good times going.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

"Funny" Feelings That Happen When I Miss My Bipolar Meds

I take medications for my bipolar disorder.   These medications keep me emotionally and mentally regulated and grounded in my life.  Every day with breakfast, I take my pills for the day.  I get up quite early for work, and I give myself just enough time to get ready and get out the door for the 45 minute drive.  I grab my yogurt and fruit, throw my daily pill box in my purse, and I am off to work.

Once I get to work and I am more awake for the day, I eat my breakfast and take my pills.  Then it is just a regular day of living.  Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am sad, and sometimes I am just even keeled as anyone would be on any given day.  I do not have the super extremes of depression or mania which happens with bipolar disorder.  This is how the pills help me.

Every now and then something happens and I miss my morning pills.  This happened today.  When I was at work, I got my fruit and yogurt out to eat and grabbed my pill box.  I looked and the pill box was empty!  "Oh no, this must be the one from yesterday."  I thought.  Right then I knew that later in the day I would be feeling "funny."

Let me explain that.  "Funny" to me means anything odd, different, or strange that I feel.  "Funny" feelings are mostly the physical things and sensations that change within me.  These sensations usually come on between 3-5 hours after I have missed my daily dose of medication.

"Funny" feelings:
  • sight gets fuzzy
  • taking long exaggerated blinks with my eyes (trying to make things clear again).
  • a sensation of dizziness at times
  • odd skin sensations 
  • tightness or clenched jaw 
  • clenched fists or other muscle tightness
  • digestive issues
  • tightness in chest
  • sounds become far away or like waves in my ears
  • brain zaps, like the feeling of being buzzed
  • being "not with it"
  • sensation of separateness from what is happening in the present
These "funny" feelings are not so funny, so I make sure to get back on my normal medication routine as soon as I can get to my pills.  Usually then within an hour or two I am back to normal me.  Today I was able to leave work early and go home.  I have taken my pills, and am now back to feeling even keeled this evening.  Just another reminder to always stay alert to doing what I need to do to keep mentally healthy.

Staying mentally healthy for a person with bipolar disorder is an everyday things including many different aspects.  One aspect of that for me is taking medications.  I must think about this everyday.  I must remember.

What I go through with bipolar disorder is not what everyone goes through.  Each person is unique.  I write this just to help you understand a side to taking these types of medications that you may not know about.  And, if I am having an off day or feeling "funny", this might be why.  Please be gentle with me.  I will come back around.